Leather and Hyde: Millennium Wishes

Leather and Hyde

Odysseys and Observations
Millennium Wishes
by Debra Hyde

It was in the fifth grade I first realized that, not only would I be alive at the turn of the century, I'd be older than my parents were then. At the same time, I felt like those kids in the television Disneyworld ad: I'd be too old to do anything when the year 2000 rolled around.

Well, the New Year is days away and here I stand: older, perhaps wiser, but not the old crone I thought I'd be when I was ten. And life hasn't turned out as I thought it might. To my delight and amazement, I'm doing things I never expected. I'm writing erotica and about human sexuality and I'm getting published at a decent clip. (When I was ten, I wanted to be a jockey.)

Sex beyond heterosexual procreation isn't sick and twisted, and any individual who embraces alternative sexual practices shouldn't be castigated for expressing what amounts to individual choice.

I'm a wife and parent, something I couldn't even conceive of when I was ten. (Motherhood looked like nothing but work and loneliness then.) And a significant part of my life lies with my Master and our S/M adventures. (At ten, I barely knew what intercourse was. Weird sex was a great unknown, as it should've been.)

I'm also looking ahead in ways I couldn't have imagined and, unlike the weighted sense of "age inevitability" I felt at ten, I'm filled with hope and a sense of adventure. And why not? Who knew that at century's end we'd be increasingly challenging our social obligation to extend civil rights to sexual minorities? Who knew that the Internet would open the floodgates of information about sexual diversity in a way unknown since the invention of the printing press? Who knew we'd be poised for so many possibilities for our future?

And all those possibilities got me thinking about what I'd like to see in the next century. To my surprise, a number of concerns surfaced, far more than I thought possible. In many ways, my concerns illustrate how far sexuality has traveled from the days of Krafft-Ebbing, Ellis, and Freud. And while we're more Ellis-like in our tolerance for sexual diversity, enough of society remains intolerant that us deviants can't afford to be complacent or uncaring about the state of sexuality in America today.

To that end, I'd like to share my hopes and aspirations for the new century with you. Whether serious or light-hearted, my hopes are sincere.

My Hope Chest

I hope we continue to demystify human sexuality. I know some of us like to transgress against sexual norms and demystification would rob of us of those thrills, but society's fear of sex means continued criminalization of radical sex. And what's not a crime is often seen as a disorder. Sex practices, by and large, are a many and splendid thing and, as a society, we need to stop coloring within the lines. Sex beyond heterosexual procreation isn't sick and twisted, and any individual who embraces alternative sexual practices shouldn't be castigated or marginalized for expressing what amounts to individual choice.

I long for Anne Rice to return to writing erotica. She dared to write elegant smut before many of us realized our own S/M awakenings and, now that so many of us have discovered our sexual calling, we need her voice and her vision. More than any other writer, Rice actively captured and conveyed pansexual S/M with sex that knew no orientation boundary, in a fiction that didn't care whether it was in your face or not. Please, Anne, come back to us.

I pray that John Preston's work -- particularly his essays -- never go out of print. May today's S/M writers never put their pens down. We need their voices and imaginations to fuel our passions.

I hope that the GLBT and het segments of the BDSM/leather world better accept each other's presence. Yes, the gay leathermen codified and organized themselves into tribes and enclaves before anyone else, but heterosexual S/M has always existed as well. We have always led parallel existences, and we owe it to our common perversions to recognize our similarities, respectfully acknowledge our differences without insulting them, and establish common ground on which to move forward.

I firmly believe the Internet will continue to fuel above-ground awareness of BDSM, and I see that as a positive occurrence for sexual minorities. But I would love to see several popular "topics" bite the dust in the next century. I'm tired of all the discussion about fat in the scene, childhood abuse, whether submissives are needy and dominants are narrow-sighted. Yes, some of us are fat, some of us were abused, and some of us aren't emotionally proficient. Big deal. We are -- in all our sizes, shapes, and histories -- a great mass of humanity. We are human -- nothing more, nothing less -- and we mirror the larger society that surrounds us.

The Internet has irrevocably changed the way people come into the BDSM world. In the 60s, 70s, and 80s, people who craved S/M had to access the leather world through very discreet, underground means. For the most part, those old paths have evaporated and accessing S/M today is as easy as a mouse click. Yes, people entering into real life BDSM through on-line portals will have different experiences and perspectives than people who entered the scene in previous decades. Yes, a new and different lexicon has emerged. But new twists don't negate old histories.

I've seen a growing generation gap, based not on age but on the decade one entered the scene. To those who predate the net, I ask you not to dwell on how different things are now. Focus on what you can bring to the discussion. Teach your ways to the people of this brave new world. They want to witness and learn and they can't do it all online. The online world is a means to an end, and that end is real life participation, even to the net-prevalent mindset. To that end, come among these new souls. Tell them your stories and share your memories. Speak and keep your histories alive. Old ways can be kept alive but old voices must speak them to new listeners for that to happen.

I want human rights to advance enough that no one will question your ability to be a good parent if you're into S/M or polyamory, or if you aren't heterosexual. Becoming a parent does not mean becoming asexual, and I'd like to see this old remnant of procreative Puritanism fall into obscurity. In its stead, I'd like to see people understand that having a rich sex life means you're a happier, more fulfilled parent -- and that you're more capable of meeting your children's needs because your own needs are satisfied and you aren't frustrated. You're capable of greater empathy for your child's questions and concerns because you've answered your own.

Even more, having broader boundaries does not equal having no boundaries, a widespread misconception among the vanilla public. To many, perversion means dysfunction and dysfunction often hinges on poor personal boundaries between family members. I hope that, in time, we'll be able to educate the public that responsible hedonists can also be responsible parents.

The recent raid on Club X in San Diego reminds me that our erotic spaces are vulnerable to the whims of public officials. Whenever government needs to impress upon the public that they're keeping law and order, they raid the nearest sex club or S/M dungeon. It doesn't matter, in the end, whether convictions will result; the headlines created by the actual bust are enough to accomplish the given mission of putting an elected official in the limelight. Today, our erotic spaces are only as safe as we are vigilant. Tomorrow, I hope we can establish firm privacy laws that will protect us from headline-seeking public officials.

Perhaps the one area of modern accomplishment that the S/M world can celebrate is our relative success at accepting our fellow players' disabilities. Here, more than any other place, I've seen disabled individuals find a place in the community, and we've done a better job of accommodating and accepting people with disabilities than has mainstream society. I've had the good fortune of knowing people with multiple sclerosis, bowel conditions and diseases, mild retardation, hearing impairments, even dyslexia. All of them have taught me that play and sexuality don't end with a doctor's diagnosis. If anything, play and sexuality are all the more important because they mean you're maintaining a normal life despite an abnormal condition. I pray we continue to take the time to understand and accept each other's limitations.

Ending on a High Note

Oh, I have my silly little wishes as well as my weighty, important ones. I hope my knees won't give out in the next decade because I don't want to face submission without kneeling. I'm concerned that menopause -- a horizon that's distant but visible -- will kill my libido.

We are -- in all our sizes, shapes, and histories -- a great mass of humanity. We are human -- nothing more, nothing less -- and we mirror the larger society that surrounds us.

I worry that, someday, I'll have seen and done it all. To those ends, I pray that my clit never dulls and the edge always stays sharp.

But beyond my personal concerns, I have faith, hope, and a genuine optimism for the BDSM community as a whole. I have the same outlook towards sexuality in general. But as I said at the outset of this piece, we can't be complacent. We should look at where we were thirty years ago and look at where we are today. Now, imagine where we can go tomorrow. Imagine. Then make it so.

About the Author

Debra Hyde is a mostly submissive switch who lives in New England with her husband, two children, three cats, and a dog. She says she is "well-owned and well-loved" by a very special Master, and shares a unique triangle with him and her somewhat submissive husband.

"When England Calls," one of Debra's short stories, graces the pages of the recently published Mammoth Book of Historical Erotica. She is currently working on a number of others, as well as the Great American Leather Novel. Her BDSM work has been previously published on the Internet by Leather Online and Section 12, but Leather and Hyde was her first regular column, originally hosted by About.com's BDSM site and relocated here with her kind permission.

Debra also maintains a personal Weblog called Pursed Lips and can be reached at 75222.2150@compuserve.com... but no junk mail or "Wannas," please.