I once spotted a car that had a pair of handcuffs dangling from the rear-view mirror.

Policeman? Or BDSM enthusiast?

I doubt an officer of the law would carry his or her tools of the trade that way, so I assume the latter. I also expect that's the case for the owner of the license plate "HANDCUFF!"

It's always fun and helpful to be able to recognize others with similar interests. For BDSMers, though, it's a double-edged sword. Because of the social stigma attached to our activities, it's perhaps unwise to come right out and proclaim our interests to the world at large. At the same time, that need for discretion makes it doubly important that we be able to recognize our fellow "perverts." Here are a couple of symbols that might help.

The Leather Pride Flag

The Leather Pride Flag

The Leather Pride flag is, in some ways, an enigma. Mr. DeBlase never explained why he selected the colors or design he did, preferring that each of us interpret the shapes and colors as we wish. Nonetheless, there seem to be a couple of generally accepted interpretations.

One view sees the heart standing for the love we feel, the white stripe for purity, and the black and blue for leather and denim. This view is generally attributed to Stacey, Ms. National Leather Association 1996.

Another common interpretation is expressed by Lolita of The Eulenspiegel Society. She sees the heart as love, the black and blue as bruises, and the white stripe dividing the flag into top and bottom (common terms for the dominant and submissive partners, respectively).

Regardless of each individual's interpretation, the Leather Pride flag is a good way to discreetly let others know that you are a BDSMer.

The BDSM Emblem

This one's visible on many BDSM sites. According to Steve Quagmyre^*, the Emblem's creator, the symbol grew out of discussions on AOL in late 1994. "The embryonic idea developed from this progression of questions: How many of us are really out there in any random crowd? Could there be a way to spot each other in a friendly, non-trolling way? Was there perhaps a symbol we could wear to identify ourselves to each other without anyone in the vanilla world being the wiser?"

The BDSM Emblem

Within the Chinese and Japanese monads, each element contains a small part of the other: Yin cannot exist without Yang, which cannot exist without Yin. The BDSM Emblem instead uses a hole in each segment to represent the incompleteness of any individual; there always remains a void within them that can only be filled by a complimentary other.

There are other meanings attributed to the curved outlines and the lines which separate each section from the others, but I leave it to you to do further research, if you wish, by traversing the links which follow.

While the Leather Pride flag has a lot of history and meaning, I personally like the BDSM Emblem better for one very important reason: a flag is generally expected to have a meaning. A symbol which causes the uninformed to ask, "What does that flag stand for?" may not be the best choice for discreet communication of your preferences and interests. The BDSM Emblem, on the other hand, looks like so much abstract jewelry, and its resemblance to the Yin/Yang may also help dampen questions.

The "Hanky Code"

No discussion of BDSM symbology would be complete without at least mentioning the infamous "Hanky Code." This signaling system originated within the gay male community, but does see some use from lesbians and the straight community alike. A handkerchief worn in the left hip pocket (or hung through a belt on the left) indicates the wearer is dominant or a "giver"; on the right indicates a submissive or a "receiver." But... giver and receiver of what? That's determined by the color of the handkerchief, or the combination of handkerchiefs, being worn.

There are a number of problems with the hanky code. For example, there are subtle color distinctions to be made: yellow, pale yellow, mustard yellow, gold, and orange all have distinctly different meanings. Think you can unerringly tell which is which in a dark bar or a nightclub lit with strobes and colored lights? Even if you get the color right, you'd better know that the meanings of some colors change based on the wearer's sex!

The hanky code is also regional. It is more likely to be used in large cities, and perhaps only in particular bars or nightclubs at that. Worse, the meaning of some colors can vary from location to location... and some of the variations are wildly different.

For these reasons I don't suggest you wear a hanky, but keep your eyes open and you may see others doing so. If you see what might be a signal, don't assume! If you think you'd like to meet or talk with the person in question, treat the handkerchief as a conversation starter and nothing more. You may both have a laugh... or you may find someone who enjoys exactly what you do.

So stay alert, because whether it be the Leather Pride flag, the BDSM Emblem, or handcuffs dangling from a rear-view mirror, the signs are out there... and so are we! Don't be afraid to say, "Hello!"

^*When this Feature originally went "live" in June of 1997, there was a different name here. I had seen the BDSM Emblem on a number of sites, and even read about its meaning... but I had no idea where it originated. When I started researching it, I eventually found a gentleman who claimed to have created the symbol, and who provided me with the same history I had read elsewhere, plus some additional background information.

A few months later, I was looking up some information in Des de Moor's Deviants' Dictionary (an excellent resource; highly recommended) and stumbled across his material on the BDSM Emblem. It was basically the same as mine, but with one crucial difference: Steve Quagmyre was credited as the originator.

I began discussing the situation, first with Des, then with Steve. While the first gentleman I had spoken with still claimed to have created the Emblem, he offered no further proof. Steve, on the other hand, provided me with several pages of fascinating Emblem history (which you can now find on his Web site, linked below) and plenty of evidence that he was the creator. In addition, Steve also sells BDSM Emblem jewelry -- which was the original goal of the entire project back in 1994 -- and has been doing so for years.

As for the gentleman originally named here, there is such a thing as "simultaneous invention," and it's entirely possible that he too created a triskele-like design on his own. But by all evidence, Steve Quagmyre created the BDSM Emblem.

Between then and the time I updated this Feature, I received emails from many folks who were on AOL during those years and who remember Steve's involvement with the project. To all of you who wrote: Thank you for being so supportive of Steve, and for your interest in avoiding "revisionist history." I appreciate your efforts, and can only hope that I'll have friends like you to stand up for me, if I ever find myself in a similar situation.

Related Links

For a comprehensive listing of the symbols and flags used throughout the alternative sexuality community, visit The Rainbow Icon Archive.

A good explanation of the Leather Pride flag can be found at the Conversio Virium web site.

The BDSM Emblem was jewelry long before it started popping up on web pages everywhere. Visit Steve Quagmyre's Emblem Project site, where you can learn more about the meaning of the Emblem and the history behind it, and see some of the Emblem jewelry that's available.

Another excellent source of BDSM Emblem jewelry is TieMeUp, a maker and merchant of "wearable lifestyle jewelry." They offer a wide range of reasonably-priced items, and sponsored our March 2002 chat contest by donating a roses-and-thorns BDSM Emblem necklace.

For a wide selection of BDSM Emblem renditions -- including 3-D and animated versions -- visit subNATION.

Lolita writes a regular column carried by Leatherpage.com.